Kirk's tales

How to attack a cucumber

I love cucumber. I could eat one huge cucumber at every meal. But humans don’t seem to understand well this because they are kind of rationalizing my cucumber pretending that it contains too much water and it is not very good for my digestion.

This being said, you understand why eating a piece of cucumber it’s such a big deal for me. And I must calculate well how I should proceed in order to maximize the pleasure of serving it. Of course, in the days when I don’t get a cucumber, I think a lot to this issue and make plans for the next encounter with this kind of vegetable.

First of all, I must explain you that a cucumber looks like a cylinder, not considering the ends also. So it’s difficult to decidewhich side to attack first. Then, the peel is harder and the core is softer. So another problem to analyze: should I start with one or with the other? Anyway, this second issue has a simple answer – in order to get to the core, you need to pill the cucumber off. But, as logical as it seems, I’m still trying to find a new approach.

Back to our cylindrical problem, the end with which I should start is always a very important decision because it affects the speed of consumption. What if the cucumber is not a perfect cylinder and one end has a smaller diameter than the other? Because usually this is the case: humans don’t grow perfect cucumbers and it’s hard to do measurements for the diameters when you are hungry. So, the decision should be based on a critical visual analysis of the object, meaning the piece of cucumber.

In my case, as I can’t decide, I start with no matter which end, chew a little around it and then pass to the other end. This way, I’m creating a perfect ball. Not that I need or I could use a ball, but it is fun seeing the humans being ecstatic in front of my creation. Of course, after they stop being amazed with my ball, I eat it. Or sometimes I start with the middle… All depends of my mood.

I hope the humans won’t start to cut differently my cucumber before finding answers to my current questions. As you may get it, today I had no cucumber in my menu… (Below is an old picture.)


Spock's opinions about humans, Spock's tales

How cute I am

Almost from the begging it was clear that Kirk is the model, beautiful pig and I was the crazy, but very active one. Still, I don’t give up to the fight so fast! But it is very difficult to motivate myself to stay still for enough seconds to allow being photographed…

But my human female is getting more and more experienced in convincing me. For example, she knows very well that I’m not very comfortable at height so she tricks me. Last Friday she took me by surprise, raised me in the air and put me on the narrow part of a sideboard. Before noticing what’s happening, she already took some snapshots…


And I remember how she tried almost one year ago to take a picture of me while yawning. She was almost sleeping on the couch with the camera turned on just to make sure she will not miss the moment. It took me a while to figure it out what she actually wanted… It was awkward to see her spying on me all day long. I  was almost afraid to go to sleep; that creepy the whole situation was. Finally, after two months of struggles, I manage to fell asleep and she managed to take the photo.


Then she has all this weird “creative” ideas about how I would look good on a specific color or piece of cloth. And she is trying very hard to convince me to stay still for a photo. Of course I refuse! I am a little Guinea Pig but I have a huge personality! And she never tried to bribe me… She should understand that a piece of carrot might do miracles.

Look, she tried very hard to make me stay for long enough on a red bed sheet because she is convinced my eyes look better on that color. Finally, I’ve accepted, but just because I realized she would never give up to the idea.


But, from time to time, I get to make fun of her and I show her the spot where my tail should have been…

guinea_pigs_tales_spock_buttNo matter the position, I’m still a cute pig. 😀

(Written by Spock in a moment of deep narcissism.)

Spock's tales


I can’t believe it! She left us. Again. For the second time in two months…

If last time I could understand it because it was Christmas and they have the right to visit their family (although I think we are sweeter and nicer!), this time I don’t get it. They left for Greece. Honestly, Greece?! To visit some old stones when you have two living furry creatures in your house!

To be sincere, I saw some signs on Monday evening: she was not in a hurry to go to sleep and even packed some stuff. But as she was packing in a back pack, I was almost sure is nothing serious. Which human female goes somewhere for four days with only a small back pack?! On Tuesday morning we realized things were serious – she was giving instructions to another human male about how we should be fed.

We know our new servant/maid/butler, but only as an acquaintance.  True, he lives in our house, but usually we have nothing to do with him. We tolerate his cuddling, but this happens rarely. And now we are left with him, and he has no idea about what we want or need.

Coming back to our personal humans, they left us again with other people. They could take us with them. We are not very demanding, some green leaves are to be found anywhere… But she chose to leave us home. And they took the laptop with them. The one that we already adapted with some shortcuts to make our lives easier. So we were left only with his laptop, a new and very hi-tech thing and we had to convince the servant to leave it closer to us.

For Christmas she gave so many instructions to the guys that served us for few days, that they were afraid to touch us. They thought we were very fragile and refused to take us out and cuddle. Horrible! Four days with no human on whom to pee or poo. Of course that when she came back we spent around 15 minutes each on her lap!

But this time I will not communicate with her for a week as a punishment! Just look at us how cute we are while waiting. How could she leave us?


Spock's tales

Our purpose in life

This time I’m the philosopher! I’ve managed to discover by myself what the Guinea Pig’s purpose in life is, the whole meaning of our existence and the one of the existence of humans in our lives. I am so proud of myself and I want to share all this with you.

First of all, I’ve noticed that the human female gets happy every time I’m popcorning. And she even starts laughing when my popcorning comes together with some sawdust spreading all over the place. So I’ve trained myself and I became a master of spreading sawdust. Every evening when she does the cleaning of our private rooms, I popcorn and spread stuff around. Now, don’t imagine just two, three pieces or some hay, but imagine something like a rain of sawdust all over her, the couch and the surroundings of my room. Sometimes I amaze even myself with what I can do.

And, more surprisingly, the human males are not allowed to do this. If they would do something similar, I’m sure they would sleep on the porch, but only if they are lucky enough. Even more, they need to provide me with fresh hay, clean sawdust and food that can be carried around. But carefully, not to make a mess in the house…

So, she laughs when I do this and the humans are not allowed to do it. The only logical conclusion is that I was born to do this. Together with being a crazy scientist, of course. 😀  Also, apparently, I’m very good at it. Kirk can do it also pretty well, but because of his big butt he can’t really popcorn very high. But, still, he’s taking his duty very seriously also. And it hit me: we were meant to create disorder, to give people a purpose in life (cleaning after us).

How to do it? Simple! Be happy with your life and popcorn a lot. But a lot! And popcorn close to the margins of your private room, so all the sawdust can be spread outside it. When you are taking the usual walk in the house, chew every twigs tunnel you can find; spread the hay all over the place; pee and poo under the couches; find the celery and turn upside down the vase. Just do it! And the humans will be happy.  If you don’t believe me, just check below. We have pictures proving that there is nothing wrong in doing it. I mean, we I am still here, writing this story… The first one is from the time we were sharing everything, and the second one is very recent and proving that I still master the technique.

guinea_pigs_tales_kirk_spock_messguinea_pigs_tales_spock_messWe strongly recommed you to try this at home for the happines of your humans companions!

Kirk's tales

The prove!

Since we’ve started this blog, we’ve heard some humans expressing their doubts regarding the fact that a Guinea Pig could really write and use a laptop. And I find this offending! Humans have a very good opinion about themselves and very little consideration to our skills…

So, yes, it is me and Spock writing this blog. I definitely can and know how to use a laptop. It is not at all complicated, after you pass the urge of chewing the cables, of course. Because this is the big inner fight: not to pee on the keyboard and not to taste the cables! But with some self-control and motivation, is doable. For sure! And another problem is to convince the humans to leave the laptop somewhere accessible for us. I can use it, but I can’t fly from the couch to the table. I have my limits, but I’m thinking to bring a big parrot in the house that could carry me all over the place. 😀 Just don’t share yet my plan with the humans; I’m still searching for a way to manipulate them…

Let’s go back to our story and how easy is to use a laptop. On Saturday, for example, while she was cleaning the mess we do (Spock will share this one!), I’ve managed to convince her to put me in the master bed and to leave me there with the laptop. So, I had a good hour to write and do something to contribute to the development of my kind. First I made my tour in the bed, checked the sheets and quilts, asked for my fleece, peed, pooped etc. All this took me exactly 32 minutes and 14 seconds.

Then I went back in front of the laptop and I remembered I would love to check the Amazon for some wooden houses, sleeping bags and other Guinea Pigs’ indispensable stuff. I got lost on the Internet, like always, and I realized this after another 16 minutes and 23 seconds. It was really the time to start writing because I was sure the human female will reclaim her laptop soon.

It took me several minutes (OK, around 10…) to write this post. Of course the human female came, saw me and started shooting photos. So, I also have a visual prove of me really writing this blog. Since she was already around and I was done being creative for the moment, I asked to be teasel while Spock was tearing apart the house living room.

If you are a Guinea Pig and want to use a computer, just keep in mind you need to start by learning a foreign language – the humans’ language. It is not complicated at all, just need to pay attention to them. I don’t get why is so difficult for them to understand us! I could speak fluently their language since I was 3 months old, but they still have moments when they don’t understand me…

Anyway, check out the photos. And please note I turned off the laptop after finishing my work. Let’s be sustainable! And green. By the way, I love green!


Spock's tales

We’ve been busy…

Strange and unexpected things happened in the past two days. Kirk is still processing them, but with me goes easier, so I’ll just write them down.

First, on Wednesday evening something new popped up in our rooms. Strange object, strange shape, although a little bit familiar. I almost believed it’s an UFO, but that would have been most unusual as both humans were in the house and I heard Guinea Pigs’ UFOs are afraid of humans… So, now, after 2 nights spent with that object, I can describe it as a kind of a tunnel with a piece of a blanket inside it. To be honest, I don’t mind its presence, especially that the cloth is a fleece one, so soft and mild.

Eves dropping, I’ve found out that the tunnel was one for cats that was cut in two pieces, so we could have each one side of it. And the fleece cloth comes from a small blanket we had in the house. Although I would have appreciated a narrower tunnel (I’m not as huge as a cat!), I can live with this one for a while.

In the beginning I was extremely reluctant and just turned around it. I’ve also tried to chew it, but unsuccessful… Then I saw Kirk sleeping inside and I was reassured: if he was still breathing and not eaten, it meant it wasn’t an UFO. So I’ve tried it also and it is quite comfortable. I’ve spent yesterday the whole day analyzing it and testing the “matrass”.

And the second weird thing is the new device the human female brought in. She replaced her camera with a better one and she convinced the male to pay for it saying that it takes nicer shots with low light. So, imagine, she arrived home yesterday evening, ignored us, opened the parcel, took the camera out and started testing it on us. I mean, what are we?! Guinea Pigs?! She kept taking photo after photo for almost one hour. We’ve tried to hide in the tunnels, but no chance to tranquility.

I think I’ll start losing my fur if she continues this way. I’ll be like Gioconda, loosing paint, in my case fur, because of the great amount of pictures. Or she will steal my soul someday with that camera. Or I’m reading too much unverified information on the Internet…

Anyway, check below for some pictures with us and the new tunnels, courtesy of the new camera. (I admit, it’s better than the last one. :D)



See, I’m nice and I put a picture with Kirk also! Now, regarding the color of my tunnel, I’m trying to convince her that white is not for me. And also, she still needs to learn how to use that camera! Kirk looks much better than I do… And this is definitely not the case.

(Written by Spock while testing his tuneel.)

Kirk's tales

How Guinea Pigs can use humans

As you already have noticed, we live with some humans. I think almost every Guinea Pig in the world lives close to a human… And this is not because we can’t live without them, but the other way around, no matter what they actually say. So you may ask yourself what you should do with the humans around you. I’ll share some of my experience with you.

First of all, it is a pleasure to watch them fooling around us. They feel the need to talk with us in a funny way. More, whenever we start wheeking they think we are awesomely cute and they are able to spend minutes looking at us. I even saw the human female watching us while sleeping and I also have the proof – lots and lots of pictures. Awkward! It’s like having a TV with free Human Planet…

Then, they are always useful when it comes to food. I could definitely go by myself to the supermarket and get as many vegetables as I could eat and not paying a thing. (I’m not talking about stealing, but I’m so cute I’m positive no one will ever ask me to pay for my food.) But it’s easier to stay home, sleep, and wait for the food to come to you. Especially when I decide upon the menu. And it is always funny to imagine how the other humans are looking at your human in the metro because he/she has some celery getting out of the backpack.

Let’s not forget about our need of having a maid. I’m too busy thinking to have enough time to clean my room. So, I have two humans dealing with this. The human male is in charge of buying and bringing home huge bags of 20 kilos of sawdust and the human female needs to refresh our habitat every evening.

Also, if we wouldn’t have humans around, there won’t be any couches or beds with pillows and blankets to pee and poo on. It is amazing how funny it is to run around, find a place in the blanket and do your “job” there. Even more amazing is the fact that we are allowed to do it, but other humans not.

So, my dear furry friend, control well your human(s) and don’t forget: you can live without them for sure, but life is funnier and easier with them around. 😀

guinea_pig_tales_kirk_anorak(Written by Kirk while sharing an anorak with the human male.)