Data's tales, interviews

Interview with HRH Arlo

data_profile_2Today it is my turn to interview one prominent figure of our world. For this article we had to delegate our specialist in communication and social media, so it was obvious I should do the interview. But let’s get to the point.

Dear furry readers, humans, I would like to introduce you HRH Arlo. Although he is a self proclaimed king, because most of us don’t really care about politics, we gladly accept his ruling. (I hope he won’t read this last phrase.)

Data: Your Royal Highness could you, please, introduce yourself? Where were you born, when and from which race you descend?

HRH Arlo: I was born on December 21st, 2012. Remember the uproar about the Aztec calendar and how the world would undergo a great change on that day? It was me, of course. My birthday is celebrated the world over. People hang up lights, decorate trees, my hairless ape slave even lights candles in what she calls a menorah for eight days. You really can’t miss it. I don’t remember where I was born.

My vet doctor calls me a lavender because of my coloring and eye color, he also says that I am a cross between an Abyssinian and a Peruvian.

Data: Please clarify some things for the less informed readers of our fabulous blog, especially humans. Over what kingdom are you ruling? It’s a little bit confusing: you live in the USA, you speak about The Tower…

HRH Arlo: This isn’t confusing at all really. The Guinea Pig Kingdom lies wherever guinea pigs are found. It’s not a place with borders. I am the King of all guinea pigs, no matter where that may be. The slaves have their own areas. They put borders around them and elect or appoint leaders over their burroughs. This shows the abject inferiority of the hairless ape slaves. They can’t handle living without border lines and must have someone to rule over them. No one seems to be able to rule them all, they are that out of hand, so each burrough has leaders and each burrough has its own sections with leaders in those areas. Such madness. The Tower is in a place the slaves call London.

Data: What do you do in your life? Everyone of us is curious about how a King spends his days…

HRH Arlo: I am King of the Guinea Pig Kingdom. I have lots of duties. I hold court in my pigloo, I talk to my advisors. Last week, there was an attack on our kingdom. Bombs were going off for a week, culminating on the 4th . It was my duty to protect the royal residence and get our army ready for a counterattack. I attended talks with the heads of the other Kingdoms to discuss what should be done. The Rabbit King was there, the Kings of the Mice, Gerbils, Hamsters and so forth. I have a very busy life. I relax by demanding my slave scratch my belly and groom and massage my fur.

Data: Let’s talk a little bit about your human. Every piggy has a human but I suppose your must be special. So how did you end up with your human and what do you think about her?

HRH Arlo: You must be talking about the slave. My mother always told me I was special; meant for special things. She told me that a slave would be chosen to take me to my palace and care for me. When I was three weeks old I was given to my slave and placed in my palace with food, alfalfa, Timothy Hay, food and veggies and a bedroom in which to hide. A few days later I was taken to the vet doctor. I was not pleased but he gave me a full physical and dental check. He anointed me with a drop between my ears. He called it a protection from mites if I may have any. I can assure you I did not.

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My hairless, ape slave is adequate. She makes sure that my living quarters are clean and my bowl is always overflowing with food, my residence is always overflowing with hay and fresh water. I get plenty of fresh yummies everyday. When I am sick or need a mani‐pedi she promptly takes me to the vet doctor. More often than not I get my belly scratches, grooming and fur massages. She can be strange. Twice a day she rips off her fur and puts new fur on. Once a day, she rips off her fur and gets under a waterfall. She could drown! She says she’s grooming herself. Wouldn’t it just be easier to use her tongue like the rest of us do? This slave doesn’t have a lot of fur and every once in a while a friend of hers comes over and pours a liquid on her legs and her face around the fur above her eyes. Then the friend takes a cloth and rips the fur off of her legs and some around her eyes. She gives this friend paper money or baked food to rip her fur out. Can you believe that? And sometimes she just talks into this box she puts to her ear. There’s no one there but she talks and laughs. She can be a strange one.

Data: Was it hard to train your human to respond to your needs?

HRH Arlo: Yes, and it still is. That girl can be so insolent. She’s stubborn as well. Do you know she will delay my royal breakfast so she can have a beverage called coffee? She often delays attention I want when she comes home just so she can unwind for five minutes. Insolence! When there are elections it is terrible. She will spend hours away working on what she calls campaigns. She comes in very late and delays my royal dinner. Sometimes she’s too tired to give me my royal belly scratches. She needs constant training.

Data: Tell us a funny story about you and about your human.

HRH Arlo: I have already talked about the human. I have many funny stories. I like to frustrate the slave. She will put our dinner in nice bowls. I like to wait until she’s watching and take my nose and tip the bowl over. She watches helplessly telling me that I better not dare and I look at her and tip it over. Just to see the look on her face. It’s priceless. I also remember when the vet doctor was testing me for a stone. He didn’t find one but I peed on his white coat to show him my dissatisfaction. The slave was so embarrassed. It was very funny.

Data: How is it to share your human with 3 other piggies? What do you think about your cohabitants?

HRH Arlo: I am not always happy about her attention to the others but they are part of the royal family and I simply have to insist that, for appearance sake, the royal family be treated as a royal family should. I think Barry is a troublemaker. He is older and abdicated the throne as he realized I was more fit to be King. He wanted to spend his time on more frivolous things. He is good at keeping the others in line but he also tells them they don’t have to fear me and that is just unacceptable. Garfunkel is very young and still not very mature. He was abandoned as a baby so he follows Barry everywhere. Barry is a mentor for him. Garfunkel needs to pay more attention to his cleanliness. The slave has to bathe him constantly. He’s a typical teenager. Daltry is well‐mannered but quite insecure from having so many homes. He is very cultured but very neurotic too.

Data: How about sharing your residence with Daltry?

HRH Arlo: I was not happy at first because I didn’t want to share the royal residency. The slave explained that he was lonely. Barry and Garfunkel have each other. Then I saw the small living quarters in which he arrived. No pig in the royal family will live like that. I acquiesced. It’s been a challenge but he grooms me and there is now twice the food, water, hay and yummies. Plus, I hear that Daltry has a sizable trust fund. That could be useful.

Data: How about an heir to your kingdom? Tell us more about your love life.

HRH Arlo: I had one great love. Her name was Ethel Rose and her beauty and grace were beyond compare. Leisa Eman was her slave. She became my Queen. Sadly, she passed away; she was a few years older than me. I have ordered statues erected throughout the Kingdom in her honor. At this time, I cannot foresee loving another. She bore me twins: Esther and Enoch. They have married and moved out. I hear from them often. Enoch has his own militia over which he reigns as general so it seems that when the time comes, Princess Esther will take over my throne. When we were together we took many trips and I showered my sow and pups with many gifts using the slave’s plastic money.

Data: What is your favorite food and activity?

HRH Arlo: I love watermelon and cantaloupe. It’s yummy. My favorite activities are my nightly snuggles and belly scratches. After a long day of ruling the Kingdom, a fur massage makes all the difference. When I am ready to go to my royal quarters, I simply pee on the slave to let her know.

Data: Anything else that might interest our readers?

HRH Arlo: Everything I do would interest your readers but there are things I must keep private for Kingdom security. I will say that after the hairless, ape slave called me spoiled, I looked it up and I encourage all guinea pigs in the Kingdom to demand spoiling. It’s wonderful. The wheeky pig gets the food so remember to wheek loudly.

HRH Arlo has a very interesting hairdo, as you can see from the pictures below. But I supose a King has to have something different than the rest of us.

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IMAG0360Stay tune for another fabulous interview next Monday!

Data's tales

Big announcement!

data_profile_2Ta da da dam! We have an announcement to make and as I am the social media responsible, it’s on me!

So, my dear all, we have thought a lot and realized our knowledge should be passed to more humans to insure the proper care of our specie. We are seeing a lot of cases of Guinea Pigs abandoned, poorly cared for etc. and we’ve decided to do something about it. First step will be to write down a guide with general guide lines of how to take care of us. We will try to make it funny so that any human can understand it. I know it’s difficult for them to stay focused, so it is a real challenge to do so. We hope it will be finished by the end of August… Oh, and if there will be any income from this, most probably it will be donated to a Guinea Pigs’ rescue.

Next, not to stay so serious about life, we are planning a series of interviews with other piggies. Probably you will have a new funny story every Monday. We are now contacting piggies all around the world and try to convince them to participate and, most difficult, to share with us funny stories about their humans. If our hf behaves, maybe we will let her interview some other humans and post on our blog also. Oh, by the way, we are strating with a lady next Monday. 😀

Now this was a serious post! I’m not used with something like this… So I’ll end it up with a funny photo of me.

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Data's tales

Our first trip in the garden

data_profile_2Well, apparently we are passing through a period of firsts. Among these first times was also a walk in the garden to get by ourselves the grass.

First to get out was Worf, who froze in the middle of the grass. He started moving only when the hf went and comfort him a little. Then Kirk arrived. He fast saw the grass and took the opportunity to gain some grams. Of course Worf got some courage and followed.

Then the hm brought me outside and put me opposite Worf and Kirk hoping we wouldn’t meet. Spock followed shortly. And he did what he does best: acted like no ordinary guinea pig. He started to explore the garden, checked the corners and other plants. Of course I followed him, so we were pretty busy site seeing instead of consuming grass.

At some point Kirk realized we were there also and he started moving towards us. The humans managed to avoid a meeting between him and Spock, but not to stop me getting in his way. A little fight burst out between the two of us and a wisp of fur was lost in the wind (the owner remains unidentified). But we ended up just fine.

So, to sum up: we had some grass, took some nice photos (see below), I picked a fight with Kirk, Spock explored the garden and Worf didn’t bother with anything else except chewing grass.

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Too bad the weather in Belgium is mostly rainy and we can’t get that often in the garden.

Oh, by the way, there are some video records from this trip but they still need to be processed.

Data's tales

In the midnight hours…

data_profile_2She cries! Holly mother of Guinea Pig Almighty God, that little bipod has lungs!

I thought Worf’s cry for food is on the highest pitch I would ever hear, but I was proved wrong by a little human of 3 kilos and 50 cm. She is almost as big as two of us put together, but for sure she is louder.

OK, I’ll slow down… So, as you may know, the couch is close to our penthouse from a very objective purpose: to keep an eye on humans and make sure they don’t forget feeding us. When the baby cries during the night the humans are bringing her on the couch so that her cries don’t wake up the neighbors. First time I heard her crying, I was literally petrified with fear. I run and hid so fast that even Spock was amazed. Not very flattering for a boar like me, but I must admit all this in case you will encounter the same issue: you need to be prepared, my friend!

It gets better and better: she cries less during the night, I don’t get scared anymore. Anyhow, the good part is that in this way we’ve got the chance to see the hf. If not, she stays all day long in the bedroom feeding the baby and trying to put her to sleep. I hope things will get back on track, or at least close to our normality because I really miss the hf chasing me in my room to scratch me between ears. But we get to visit her in the bedroom from time to time. Apparently she can’t live without us.

And now I’ll get to my point. I don’t understand how come a guinea pig pup is born fully functional and human baby needs years to get to the same stage! I’m saying all this in the broader context of them, the humans, believing to be the rulers of the world and us their pets. Come on, people! Ask yourself some questions: if we develop that fast and you are here to bring us food, who exactly rules the world?!

Oh, by the way, since the hm took over the responsibility of cleaning our rooms and feeding us, we all got fatter. I and Spock not that much, but Kirk and Worf got around 50 grams each. The hf is shocked!

This is how we try to get some peace during the crying hours…

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Data's tales

Kirk and Worf

data_profile_2Since yesterday, I lost contact with Worf. A big white and opaque fence grew between us. True, we never had a clear view to his room, but still we could touch noses and look over the fence to check what’s up. But yesterday all this changed.

Why?! Because Kirk and Worf moved in together. As Kirk and Spock don’t see eye to eye, the white opaque fence had to be put between us. To be honest, when Kirk and Spock see each other so close, they start chattering teeth and, as there is a fence between them and can’t get to each other troths, they just turn to the ones closer: me and Worf. So, the fence is to prevent us fighting, not them. I know, it’s a weird explanation, but it is the truth…

So, now Kirk and Worf are sharing a big C&C cage of 2×5. Bigger than ours, which is 2×4, but we have access to the couch. And we are naughty enough not to get upset from sharing stuff and just enjoy making fun of each other. Remember how we love stealing food from each other mouths? But let’s come back to Kirk and Worf…

We are talking about the jealous Kirk and the self-sufficient Worf. And they are both gourmands. Moreover, Kirk is that type who thinks that just because he is bigger, he can bully everyone else. Just that usually he gets out of the fight with scratches and bites. And Worf just loves to be left alone with his food. Then why paring them?! Because the humans believe they will be happier after all. Maybe they will even enjoy cuddling.

Since yesterday they are together. No fight, no biting, just the usual trials to show dominance. Also, Worf is somehow cornering Kirk and prevents him sometimes to get to the food. And now the humans are not afraid about real wounds, but about some psychological drama. Maybe a very sad Kirk… Because Worf looks like he would like to be more sociable wit Kirk. But, although I can’t see him, I hear some small normal noises from Kirk, so maybe everything will be fine after all. Anyhow, the hf is super attentive, refused to leave the house today and woke up several times over night to check on them.

This is how their new huge room looks like:DSCN4401_1

Maybe, in time, Kirk and Spock will be able to behave when they get closer and the white opaque fence will be removed from the grids. We will keep you posted.

Data's tales

How to look innocent

data_profile_2When Spock decided he could share a room with me, the humans were a little bit shocked. First because they never expected Spock to tolerate some other piggy so close to him, and second because they had no idea what kind of personality I have. I mean I was always bullying Worf, but towards Spock I presented myself submissive.

Next human thought was that maybe Spock will learn something from me, will become less agitated and more willing to accept cuddles. Well… Let’s just say it was not the case. He managed to teach me how to get out on the couch in the first two hours. And since then I’ve learned a lot of other interesting stuff, but Spock is still agitated and not willing to cuddle for more than 30 seconds (but you need to get him first!).

Now, the humans still think I am the innocent one and that Spock is teaching me mischief. The truth is I just know how to look and play innocent. For example, whenever Spock is growling and playing the dominant, I put up my crying voice and it sounds like I’m in distress. True, lately I can’t help myself popcorning while playing this game with him, so the humans are less and less inclined to jump and help me.

And whenever the humans are not around, I play the dominant with him, so he needs to run and hide. Oh, and you think he’s the only one pulling and pushing the wood house while I am inside?! Well, check twice, I also do this but only when the humans are not around. Although I believe they stopped pitying me a while ago when they realized I am happy and popcorning actually.

But the funniest thing is about the food. I always take a piece and hide in a wood house and the humans think I have traumas from the four months spent in a pet shop with rabbits. Just that… it’s not quite that. It’s just that I like to still food from under Spock’s nose. And sometimes I don’t run with it, I just eat it on the spot. Like with some celery…

caught in the act

So, the secret is to look and sound innocent.  😀

Data's tales

Just an ordinary Sunday

data_profile_2Saturday we had a day without computer. Not an ordinary day for some social media addicted as we are, but we’ve decided we needed a break. And Sunday continued almost the same…  We’ve spent time with the hf, gave Spock his birthday gift, and took photos. Well, mainly just chilling like in any ordinary Sunday.

Still, we’ve checked our blog and found a spam message from a guy or lady that pretends it can write “unlimited content for our blog; 100% unique and human readable”. Really?! I mean I am super intrigued by this “human readable” thing… I thought my English is good enough for humans to understand it. I realize that my conversations with Spock can sound like some cluck for the humans, but I’m pretty sure this blog is written in a language that a lot of people can understand. I’ll talk to the guys.

Coming back to our Sunday! Spock got as a present a paper bag from The Hard Rock Café in London. I’ve heard the hm almost refused the bag, but the hf was shouting behind him “We’ll take it! It’s for Spock!”. Apparently the guy from the counter just stopped struggling to understand what was happening and our humans managed to get out before anyone could alert the authorities. We really enjoyed the bag: big enough to suit us both and a pile of hay!

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In the meanwhile, Kirk and Worf got some floor time together. But they both chose to sleep on a blanket.

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The conclusions of the day?! Two of them…

  1. A paper bag is better than any wood house, furry tunnel and other fancy accessories.
  2. If we have to choose between running like crazy in the house and sleeping on a fleece, we will choose the second option. But we are not lazy!