Kirk's opinions about humans, Kirk's tales, Uncategorized

She’s losing it!

kirk_profile_2Our humans disappointed me… Again. But I should get used with it. Just because there are no perfect humans out there. After all, they are not Guinea Pigs!

They left for Venice last week. With all the explosive hassle from Brussels, they went on with their holidays plan. Fine for me, we already said they are weird and need breaks. But they messed up our timetable. Big time!

Instead of receiving 4 fresh veggies per day in two turns, we ended up receiving only three in once. And the humans that were in charge of feeding us were as incompetent as our humans. Honestly now! They insisted on petting us. But I reacted and bit the lady. We left the 9 years old child alone, she still has a chance to turn more competent. Whatever…

The worst part is that our humans were supposed to bring us some Hard Rock Café paper bags. Apparently they took them from the shop and stored them somewhere in the luggage. But they were nowhere to be found once they got home! So, just imagine this: they tell us that there are some bags for us and then, suddenly, there is none. Disappointing!

And this week the HM is at home. He pretends to being sick so he doesn’t really cuddle us. Really?! He coughs a little and has to blow his nose every now and then. This is not an excuse…

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go be disappointed in my own wood house.


Kirk's opinions about humans, Kirk's tales

The upgrading of the Mother Ship

Having a good human servant means that you need to give them the impression their live is still belonging to them. They should not feel that you are in control and you need to create very carefully this appearance.

For example, our the docking space of our Mother Ship was taking over a corner of the couch and was making useless a large amount of space from the living room due to the position. So we’ve organised a council and decided to make our humans happier by redesigning the interior of their apartment. Especially that the young Data was always chasing around Worf and stilling his food, so they had to be separated if we didn’t want to have a case of severe frustration in our hands. I’m too busy with my own research and have no time to be Worf’s psychiatrist…

Saturday it was the big day. I went to the bedroom and spent some quality time on my own and delegated to curious Spock the task of supervising the works. He is very good at this because he tends to interfere in the humans’ activities and to check everything. In the meanwhile, the little boars were placed in an orange blanket on the couch with clear instructions not to pee on it. Of course they forgot my words in less than 10 minutes… Teenagers! (By the way, they have yet no problems sharing the couch, but they are not able to live in the same room.)

So, under the strict supervision of Spock, the humans started expanding a little bit the Mother Ship, dividing better the space and turning around the furniture in the room. The purpose was to arrange their room in a way that would allow us to keep an eye on the house at all times and them to have the feeling they are still having some rights in the house. After all, they are paying the rent and Belgium is a rainy country: we wouldn’t like living on the streets! It was like a huge puzzle and a lot of furniture had to be moved several times to create a nice space where the other humans coming with offerings to us could enjoy a cup of coffee or a beer.

Spock did a great job. He was constantly checking under the couches and helped moving them; and he even inspected the vacuum cleaning process to make sure our hay won’t end up being destroyed. Also, he kept a very close eye on the human male while he was measuring the coroplast and passed over it to make sure there are no defects and everything was built at high standards.  In the meanwhile, Worf and Data were being moved all over the place with the couch… As I already said: teenagers!

Now the Mother Ship is docked in a place where humans can have access easily to all of our rooms especially that the little crazy piggies are still under treatment. I and Spock are back close to the couch and the humans (I spent the whole Sunday sleeping on my wood house and supervising the surroundings!) and both couches and armchairs are ready to be used by humans.

This is how are home looks like:

guinea_pigs_tales_mother_ship_2See you tomorrow!

Kirk's opinions about humans, Kirk's tales

A new milestone

Our main human doesn’t spend too much time at home. Especially since we have two new members of the crew, she must work and study to make sure there is enough money in her accounts to pay for our vegies. Because Data and Worf are big eaters also, even I being amazed of how fast they switched on vegies and how much they can chew. But, this is not about how they eat around 300g of vegies each per day, but it’s about me and why I might be the next Napoleon Bonaparte of the world. Yeah, I’ll skip the “imprisonment on a small island” part, but I’ll still conquer the world. 😀

So, Spock already told you how busy our human female was on Monday evening. I was also utterly unhappy about being put aside for two hours, but I hope this mess will end at some point and I’ll get to train the new members of the gang. Anyway, I forgot why I was upset when the food landed in my cage: parsnips and carrot greens! I’m not very fond of the first one, but the carrot greens are very tasty and full in vitamin C. Eating took me a while and the human female must have been felt like sleeping already, so she came and started to pet me while I was chewing.

I’ve stopped for a second trying to decide if I should continue eating or stretching and spoiling myself. But it stuck me I could do both. So, I’ve “fluffied” my but in the sawdust and let her do her thing. I was wheeking with pleasure and chewing with the same amount of pleasure on the same time. And I realized I’m that close to Napoleon who could do three things on the same time… Exactly when I was being sorry for not finding a third stuff to do, I felt like pooping. And there I was: wheeking, pooping and eating on the same time. I’ve told you I’ll be the next Napoleaon!

By the way, this is my Napoleon pose:


Kirk's opinions about humans, Kirk's tales

How to embarrass your human

The other day I was enjoying a cuddling session in the bedroom with the human female. The human male was playing backgammons on the Internet and I can’t stand the noise of the dice. It remembers me of something , but I don’t know exactly of what… Maybe I should pay a visit to the shrink because that noise makes me purr in a very annoyed way.

So, I was in the bedroom, on her chest, making a very awkward brrrr and wheeking for pleasure from time to time. I know, it’s a weird combination, but I’m a philosopher and I’m allowed to do it. 😀 While she was giving me her full attention, her phone rang. She picked up and it was a guy asking for some professional advice. They went on with their conversation, she went on with cuddling me, the human male kept rolling dices and I did my best to brrrr and wheek. And I was very close to the phone’s microphone…

At some point the human female realized her conversation partner heard every bit of noise I was making. She apologized and explained my presence in the room, but the other guy didn’t seem very convinced. And I’m pretty sure he wasn’t, because he never called back. But my human doesn’t seem very upset… How could she be when I look so beautiful?!


Kirk's opinions about humans, Kirk's tales, Uncategorized

How to wake up your human(s)

I don’t know why or from where they got this impression, but our humans think they should sleep long in the week-ends. Very strange habit and idea that has to be corrected; especially that it keeps them from fulfilling their duty to us.

Last week-end was not an exception and I had to take attitude and to convince Spock that this situation must not proliferate. We need to eat around 7:30h, we got used with this and this is how it should be. I am flexible, but not when it comes to food. When the sun goes up, I get up, so everybody else should do the same…

So, Saturday morning I’ve waited until 7:30, still hoping someone will come out of the bedroom with the clear intention of providing me the first round of vegies of the day. But no! My plan was done since one week ago when this situation also occurred, I just had to convince Spock to participate in, although he doesn’t really have the means for it. I’m saying this because I’ve decided to use my next big weapon after my brain: my butt. To sum it up: my butt needs vegies to stay fit, so it’s up to it to fight for food.

When you have a heavy, big, furry but, you know it can make a lot of noise when it touches the ground after a controlled fell. So, I jump from the top of my wood house and instead of placing nicely my butt on the floor, I just drop it. Once on the plastic floor, I start running around making sure to hit the margins of my room with the same weapon. Thanks all gods that I have fur and fat on my back, so it doesn’t heart at all when I’m doing this. You got the idea: butt on the floor, butt on the margins, salt on the roof of the house again and repeat! In the meanwhile, I was also wheeking very loud. But really loud, like somebody was trying to catch me and eat me.

Spock was doing his best also, although he is lighter than I and his butt is not that helpful. But he can wheek really loud also. He had a very good idea, though, and started chewing the bars and making a lot of supplementary noise.

After 10 minutes of hard work, the shindy must have awaken the humans because the human female came out of the bedroom disheveled, opened our rooms and fed us with some cucumber and parsnips. She tried to go back to sleep, but we did a really good job and she was not able to close her eyes anymore after our little show. She seemed a bit upset, but still sent a human to the market to buy us some dill.


For any advice on how to wake up your human during holidays or week-ends, contact us. We give advice for free, in this case. 😛

Kirk's opinions about humans, Kirk's tales

Our weekly menu: a big challenge!

Our human female promised on Facebook that we will write an article regarding our weekly menu and the importance of vegies in our lives. Amazing how she speaks for us! I think we need to explain her once again that her rights are limited to some PR and SEO activities, but she is not our spokesperson. She still needs to prove we can trust her… However, she promised on our behalf, so we should defend our honor and really write about how your human should feed you, my furry Guinea Pig friend. And it is on me to write about this because I am the gourmand one.

I must start by saying that in the beginning our human had no idea regarding how she should really take care of us. She red some websites in Romanian, but the information was poor and all she got was that we need vegetables, but no clear list upon what is good and what is not good for us. Then we arrived in her house. After few days while we had a lot of carrots and some celery, we convinced her to search data in other languages also. Yeah, it’s easy to try to find something in your mother tongue, but Romanians are not really experts in Guinea Pigs. 😀 So, she found a very nice website + forum in French. I would like to thank to the owner of that website for saving us from a boring diet with only two vegies.

Now let’s get to the point! A Guinea Pig is a gourmand vegetarian creature. If a human can survive eating only one or two vegetables per week, we can’t. Actually we will manage it, but we’ll get as seek as some humans are. And unhappy… We are also fool of caprices: today we may really enjoy one vegetable and tomorrow we won’t even look at it. This is what I do with some boring vegies like parsnips: if I’m in a good mood, I’ll eat it; if not, I won’t even touch it. So, you’ve got this first point, yes?! Diversify!

Next, you need to keep in mind that we should have at least 1/10 of our weight in vegies each day. I and Spock are getting more than this. Happy us! But, there are vegies you could eat all day long, and vegies that should be consumed not that often. And there are vegies rich in vitamin C, but also in Oxalic Acid which is not good for us. And some are very rich in water and eaten excessively could cause diarrhea. So moderation and balance are another two key words for our diet. I know it’s complicated and that is why we assist our main human in drafting the menu: every time she makes a mistake, we shout loud.

A comprehensive list with the vegies good for us can be found here. And I think is pointless repeating the same information. I just hope your human is not too lazy busy to open the link.

Now, my dear furry reader (and eventually human reader…), I know you may like licking chocolate, yogurt and other fancy food from your humans’ fingers, but they are not really good for you. They may taste well, but on long term your health will suffer. Trust me, I’m a Guinea Pig! Vegies are better for us. Just look at the differences: our fur is shiny, humans’ hair needs conditioning for that; we can popcorn, they can’t; we poop a lot, they do it once per day (if they are lucky enough)…

I am a very good piggy – I eat all my vegetables. You should do the same and you may get one day to be a great philosopher as I am. Still, I refuse to eat the radish. I could eat tones of radish leaf, but not the red/white part. I refuse, it’s that simple. And my human got it. Like she got it for the tomatoes and some fruits. But I could eat one huge cucumber every day or celery greens until I can’t move. Here we still have a problem: she refuses to give me as much as I would like. You need to keep in mind that training your human is essential in order to secure more spare time for thinking, pooping and sleeping in the future.

Before ending this, I’ll attach a photo of our menu for this week. The fundaments are simple: every day 4 different vegies, every day one vegie with vitamin C, and no more than one vegie rich in calcium per day. In addition, hay as much as we can munch and drag in the cage, pellets with no cereals, and rarely (since I passed 1.3 kilos) some cereals bars.


By the way, in case some humans are also passing by: you, the biped one, vegies are good for you too!

(I wonder what Spock will write tomorrow. Or maybe he has no inspiration and he will wake me up in the middle of the night to prepare something…)

Kirk's opinions about humans, Kirk's tales

A philosophical approach over our personalities

Humans in general have the impression that we, the Guinea Pigs, are all the same and our personalities are linear. Nothing more far away from the truth! After one year of sharing the house with Spock and some humans, I can have a very professional and philosophical approach over this subject and, as I have some time and space to express it, I’ll share it with you. Maybe you can convince your humans to read it and understand we are not all the same…

First of all, I must tell you that we were named after the Spock and the Kirk from Star Trek. Very original! If you would allow me this little tiny sarcasm… Our human female struggled a lot to come up with nice names for her two presents (masters, to be correct!), but she could only be this original. Of course, we were forced to watch the Star Trek 2009 several times just to see where our names are coming from. The funny part is that she got them all wrong. I mean I’m more a Spock and our Spock is more of a Kirk. I know: you lost me! I lost my self also…

When we were little, but I mean really little, I was more curious and Spock shyer. But, after he bit me (a complete different story to be told in the future), and with the age I choose to be the thinker, the more analytical one. I took this path also because my big butt doesn’t give me too much of a choice: it’s easier to sit on it all day long and pretend to think about something clever.

And the white pig sleeping close to me in this moment is definitely the daring one! He dares to check every corner of the house, including in the bathroom under the sink, and to chew even the most expensive headsets. After that he looks the humans in the eyes and he gets away with everything. Totally like the Kirk from the Star Trek.

But my furry Spock got his name because of his red eyes, considered by our human female very similar to the pointy ears of the Star Trek Spock. And I got to be Kirk because I have some brown fur and she considered I looked more like that character… (I told you before that our main human is not quite normal!)

What I actually want to say is that we are very different: I prefer to eat and chill, Spock prefers to run around and check the couch. I pee a lot, although I’m not drinking much water; he consumes water regularly, but pees less than I do. (Too much details, isn’t it?! :D) I like to be cuddled and I can stay still for 20 minutes on the chest of my main human just to prevent her from doing anything else, he is not able to sit still outside his cage for more than 1 minute. I think you’ve got the point!

By the way, this is how I look like when I’m thinking to something philosophical: